We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
