You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We have started to decorate penises.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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