I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
