My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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