Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
