Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
