I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
