I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
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how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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