I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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