Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
