Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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