i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
