I haven't been this sober since birth.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
