dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
