i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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