Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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