I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
