he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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