i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
