I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
