I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
