Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
