Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
