i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
