Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
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