I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I think i got beer on your cat.
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