And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
