I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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