you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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