i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
