It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
