The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
