The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
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