Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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