3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
