Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just pee around me
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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