I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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