Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
