That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Randomize
