Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
