Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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