He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
