I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
