Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
