i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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