Swine flu. Run for my life!
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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