this beer tastes like vomit already
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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