I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
