Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
