apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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