no, he came in my armpit
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
