im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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