what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
