i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
