you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
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I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
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And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.