I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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